Why Validation Is Critical For Maintaining Relationships

Doctors Gillian Galen and Blaise Aguirre are out with the new book 'DBT For Dummies,' which explores how Dialectical Behavior Therapy is used to help treat mental health conditions that result from out-of-control emotions. Drs. Galen and Aguirre return to Morning Joe for a discussion on
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    1. simply listening and letting them know their feelings matter is what they want. encouraging them that anger, frustration, and sadness are all healthy ways of reacting to life. otherwise they stuff their feelings and end up having problems later in life.

    2. @Linda Bell
      But the thing is that just because they have a feeling doesn’t mean that it can take precedence over a task at hand or a the feeling they have is actually a valid or reasonable one. Not to say their feelings they have aren’t valid, just that their feelings aren’t always of the utmost importance.

    3. Many teenagers understand their feelings quite well. The issue with not validating them is that you are causing their emotions to get in the way of everything else, even though you think that you’re doing the opposite. Many people, and pretty much all teenagers, cannot just shut off their emotions. When you judge them or say something like “get over it/stop being dramatic,” instead of being able to manage their emotions the teenager tries to turn it off, but can’t. Our brains don’t work that way. And it becomes a cycle of trying to turn it off but in the process making it worse. If instead you validate them, say that their feelings are okay and make sense and ask them questions to better understand what they’re feeling, you are giving them a huge boost to be able to manage the emotion. They feel heard, they feel that they’re not abnormal or crazy, they feel that they can ride out the emotion and then change it. Just try it. Trust me, it works.

  1. What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.

    1. It’s an odd concept but makes sense I guess. Trying to understand why a person who is wrong feel they are right, but acknowledging that they truly felt that way.

    2. Real quick and easy. Use these verbal techniques

      “Why would you say that?”(Think that, feel that).

      Reflecting skills:
      Person A: “I hate the way you snore”.
      Person B: “So, what you are saying is….my snoring keeps you up at night?”

      Both are used to get clarity, stall for time (to allow a more direct response), and give confirmation to the other person, that you are listening to them.

      And directly to your point:
      “I get the feeling you are not listening to me. I’m wondering why I feel this way”.

      Many times people simply forget to say what they want. “I want you to listen to me. It’s important” “Tell me that you understand” “I want more respect from you.” (This is when you get past the “I’m hearing you phase”, to “now hear me phase”.)

      To get what you want, you need to know what you want. And people have respect for those who have a clear understanding of what they want, and know how to express it effectively.

      PRACTICE! And prepare for a conversation. And you might discover things you might not like, but it is better to be in the open. And if you get too upset. Always fall back on: “Let’s talk next week, so we both have some time to think about it”. Or just to give some time to the idea.

    3. @Bat Boy
      “I understand why you feel that way and it is perfectly reasonable and in your rights to do so. That being said, your feelings about this particular issue are completely irrelevant to the actions that need to take place, now… finish your homework.”

    1. @Peter Wuwei It’s possible. Trying to dig, get to the bottom of those beliefs. Telling them they are wrong doesn’t go very far. They have a lot of trust in the sources of their information, so just starting with where they heard the claim. Trying to measure those claims against another source that they trust, that disputes the previous false claim. Also, finding some other fact-based items outside of the original subject matter that can be agreed on.

      It can be very tough to get through, I’ve actually had to try with close family members. Admittedly, I’ve given up a few rounds, and had to walk away for a while…but, most can be reached, over a long period of time.

    2. @Damien Darko247I believe it’s almost impossible to get his cult followers to admit that the core appeal was that Trump spoke in racist terms. That’s why the crowds went crazy when he call Black athletes ‘animals,’ or Mexicans ‘drug mules’ or worse. You will waste a lot of time debating pointless issues when the core issue is that they are racists and don’t want POC to have the same rights they expect. What might be a sign that his fans are racists? Maybe that 99% who show up at his rallies are White? Is that the reality? Why are there less than 1% POC at his rallies?

  2. There’s no common ground when they insist on having it all their own way.
    Compromise doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

  3. I so appreciate this piece, more people need to be aware. I live with BPD and Complex PTSD… DBT classes were a life saver! Meditation helps! 💕

  4. Hey Joe, why has your son bought into this pipeline for the last 3 years? Is that why you cancelled the XL pipeline? It would be a real shame if he was sub-leasing it to China…..

  5. Parenting is so challenging because life has to keep going on, whilst all
    that is going on.

  6. For anyone who has been in therapy, this is psychology 101. Listening to the other person, truly listening instead of waiting to react, is critical. Validation is, yes I heard you and I believe I understand what you said. Then asking, is this what you meant? There’s an old phrase that is my absolute favorite…I know you heard what you think I said but I’m not sure you heard what I know I said. Think about it.

  7. Detroit needs a new Mayor with a voice for the people in Detroit. Let’s give Detroit a new Mayor a woman

  8. Please continue to use Psychology to the January 6 2021 coup attempt and the reaction of the Republican party.

  9. 🙌🏼
    Went to DBT because an ex convinced me I was crazy, we discovered through the process I wasn’t crazy. He was an abusive partner who I held in such high regard I had internalized all the insults. If it wasn’t for DBT I would have never been listened to to find this out. It saved my life. ❤️

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